Jun 24, 2021 11 min read

Nonviolent Communication: Bullet-Point Summary

Nonviolent communication is a framework for communication and a language of compassion. It involves using conscious language that's based on awareness of our feelings (words have tremendous power in communication). The ultimate goal of nonviolent communication is mutual compassion. We are conditioned against hearing our own feelings and needs and empathizing with them, but can liberate ourselves from this cultural conditioning to live less stressful lives.

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

Buy the book here: https://smile.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/

I took a stab at summarizing the major concepts in the book in a hierarchical format below. View the original Notion page here (with bullet-point drop-downs, makes for easier reading): https://www.notion.so/jackmcclellandbc/Nonviolent-Communication-a73382b519e54adeae82d0d68cb06389

NVC: the two main parts in principle

Giving: expressing honestly through 4 components

Observations:

Must be free of judgement or else it's useless:
When we combine observation with evaluation, people will hear criticism
Observation without evaluation is the highest form of enlightenment
Avoid the words "always", "never", "frequently", "seldomly" which exaggerate
Oftentimes taking the judgment out means making it more specific:
For example: "Hank's bad at soccer" → "Hank hasn't scored in 20 games"

Good observation: "Sam didn't ask for my opinion during the meeting"

Bad observation: "My father is a good man":

Should me more like: "My father gives money to charity every year"

Feelings:

Identifying and expressing our feelings:
Heavy cost of unexpressed feelings; society conditions us to not expose
Many say "feel" without expressing feelings. Feelings are not thoughts:
Don't use the words "that", "like", "as if":
For example: "I feel that you should know better" isn't a feeling
Don't use the pronouns "I", "you", "he", "she", "they", "it":
For example: "I feel I am constantly on call" isn't a feeling
Don't use names or nouns referring to people:
For example: "I feel Amy has been pretty responsible" isn't a feeling
Don't use a description of what you think you are:
For example: "I feel inadequate as a piano player"
Assessing ability as a guitar player, not clearly expressing feelings
Instead, say "I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player"
Or, say "I feel impatient with myself as a guitar player"
Or, say "I feel frustrated with myself as a guitar player"
Don't use words describing how other people feel about you:
For example, "I feel unimportant to my coworkers" isn't your feeling
Build a "vocabulary for feelings":
Don't use generic words: "I feel good" or "I feel bad"; not specific enough
The more specific the better
Examples of specific words to use for feelings where needs are being met:
Amazed, Blissful, Comfortable, Eager, Friendly, Glad, Inspired, Joyous
Examples of specific words to use for feelings where needs not being met:
Afraid, Ashamed, Disturbed, Forlorn, Guilty, Hesitant, Irate, Lonely
Taking responsibility for our feelings:
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause
Four options for receiving negative feelings:
Blame ourselves:
For example: "you're self-centered" reaction "wow I'm self-centered"
Blame others:
For example: "you're self-centered" reaction "you're have no right to say"
Sense our own feelings and needs:
For example: "you're self-centered" reaction "I feel hurt"
Sense others' feelings and needs:
For example: "you're self-centered" reaction "do you need attention"
How to communicate negative feelings:
Connect your feeling with your need: "I feel...because...":
For example: "I feel mad about spelling errors cuz I value our image"
Don't use impersonal pronouns like "it" and "that":
For example: "that bugs me a lot" doesn't describe your feelings
Don't use "I feel (emotion) because (person or pronoun other than I)":
For example: "I feel angry because you broke your promise" shifts blame
Don't use statements only mentioning the actions of others:
For example: "Mom's disappointed you didn't finish your food"
Don't motivate with guilt:
For example: "It hurts me when you get poor grades at school"

Good feelings statement: "I feel scared when you say that"

Bad feelings statement: "I feel worthless"

Should be more like: "I feel skeptical about my own talents"

Needs:

If we express our needs clearly we have a better chance of getting them met
We're not accustomed to thinking about our own needs
If we don't value our needs, others might not either
We usually blame others when our needs aren't being met
Women: more accustomed to taking care of others, often ignore their needs
Examples of the large categories of basic human needs we all share:
Autonomy, celebration, integrity, play, physical nurture, etc
Stages: unaware of needs → aware (emotional slavery → emotional liberation):
Stage 1: emotional slavery: we feel responsible for the feelings of others
Stage 2: obnoxious stage: angry, no longer responsible for others' feelings
Stage 3: emotional liberation: take responsibility for intentions and actions

Good need statement: "I feel angry when you say that cuz I need respect"

Bad need statement: "I feel scared when you raise your voice"

Should be more like: "When you yell, I feel scared, because I need to feel safe"

Requests:

When making requests, remember goal: relationship has honesty, empathy
You need requests after expressing feelings, or it's useless
For example: "I feel thirsty" but you want them to get you a cup of water
You also need the feelings + needs before requests, or it sounds like a demand
Use positive language:
For example: don't express what you are NOT requesting, common error:
For example: wife says "don't work so much" husband goes golfing more
Wife wanted husband to be home, should have used a DO statement
Use clear, concrete action language:
For example: "Just let me be me" → "I want your approval for my actions"
Vague language contributes to internal confusion
The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely we are to get it
You can ask for people to reflect your request back to you to ensure they got it:
Do this if you're uncertain the person has received your message as intended
If they say something different back, thank them, then explain yourself better
Also empathize with a listener who doesn't want to reflect back:
For example: if the other person says "I heard you I'm not stupid":
Say "you feeling annoyed because you want respect for your listening?"
After requesting, you can ask for three things:
What the listener is feeling:
For example: "I'd like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said"
What the listener is thinking:
For example: "I'd like you to tell me what you think about what I just said"
Whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action:
For example: "I'd like you to tell me if you'd be willing to (task here)"
Especially important to have clear requests of groups:
Or else you'll have a lot of useless meetings:
For example: someone in a group shares a story, no request, point is unclear
Requests are different than demands:
People don't like demands, they see two options: submit or rebel
To tell request vs demand: observe what speaker does if request not met:
For example: it's a demand if the speaker lays a guilt trip
For example: it's a request if speaker has empathy for requestee's needs

Good request: "I'd like you to tell me one thing I did that you appreciate"

Bad request: "I want you to understand me"

Should be more like: "I want you to tell me what you heard me say"

Example of using all four components:

"Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common. Would you be willing to put your rocks in your room or in the washing machine?"

Receiving: receiving empathetically through the four components

Connect compassionately with others

Empathy involves emptying your mind and listening with your whole being:
"Don't just do something, stand there"
Ask before offering advice
Otherwise, people will think you're rushing or preaching
Intellectual understanding blocks empathy
For example, if some says "I look so ugly", don't say "you look pretty":
Instead, say "are you feeling disappointed with your looks today"
Don't just ask, allow them to fully express themselves before offering advice
Avoid doing these things, which involve you talking and not listening:
Advising: "I think you should..."
One-upping: "that's nothing, wait till you hear..."
Educating: "this could be positive if you just..."
Consoling: "it wasn't your fault because..."
Storytelling: "this reminds me of the time when..."
Shutting down: "cheer up, don't feel so bad..."
Sympathizing: "oh your poor thing..."
Interrogating: "when did this begin..."
Explaining: "I would have called but..."
Correcting: "that's not how it happened..."
Observe carefully for what they're observing, feeling, needing, and requesting:
Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking:
When you listen for feelings / needs, you no longer see ppl as monsters
You can try paraphrasing and asking clarifying questions:
Say this: "Are you reacting to how many evenings I was gone last week?"
And not this: "What did I do that you are referring to?"
Could also try: "I'm frustrated I don't understand, could you tell me..."
Always reflect back messages that are emotionally charged
Paraphrase only when it contributes to greater compassion / understanding
Paraphrasing can save time, rather than take up more time
Behind intimidating messages / insults, are people expressing their needs
Keep with empathy, asking questions till speaker's finished expressing all needs
Speaker has received adequate empathy if: release of tension, or stop talking
We need empathy to give empathy
Empathy is a powerful tool to help resolve conflicts and hear people
It's harder to empathize with certain types of people:
People who have more power / status / resources than you, like a boss:
"We hear you, you're worried about X, need reassurance about Y..."
People who are very close with you
When someone says "no" don't take it personally, empathize with them
Try to figure out what needs stem from them saying no, and empathize
Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and needs behind it

Connect compassionately with ourselves

When you make mistakes, don't get caught in moralistic self-judgement
This may be NVC's most important use: self-compassion:
NVC mourning: connect with feelings, needs from past regretted actions
For example: trying to sign autographs, author spilled pen on himself
At first, super mad, it was a new suit
Then: saw need to take better care of himself
Then: saw need to take care of others' needs (signing autographs)
Finally, didn't blame himself, felt compassion for himself
NVC self-forgiveness: connect with the need you were trying to meet
Just as you should try not to judge others harshly, don't judge yourself:
Avoid "should'ing" yourself: "I should have done this"
Enlightenment = being conscious of the need behind every choice, thought:
With every choice you make, be conscious of the need it serves
Try the exercise translating "have to" → "choose to"
Write everything you feel you "have to" do that you don't enjoy
Then write them out replacing "have to" with "choose to"
Then elaborate "I choose to...because I want...":
You could uncover the following motivations:
Money, approval, avoid punishment, avoid shame, avoid guilt, duty
Understand the price you pay for desire for money, approval, etc
The most dangerous behaviors: doing things cuz we're "supposed to"

NVC: blockers

Obscures our awareness and sense of responsibility
Called life-alienating communication, opposite of NVC
Has deep philosophical and political roots

Judgements:

Usually follows the general structure: who is what
For example: "she is lazy" or "they're prejudiced"
Judgements of others are actually expressions of our own needs
For example: if you judge your partner is "distant," you need affection
Moralistic judgements are different than value judgements
For example: value judgements are valuing honesty, liberty, equality
Judgements and classifications of other people promotes violence
For example: in the Cold War the USA viewed the U.S.S.R as an "evil empire"
Comparisons of yourself to others will makes you miserable
For example: Mozart was a composer and spoke many languages as a teen
Comparisons are a form of judgement

Denial of responsibility:

Words like "have to" and "make me feel" muddle personal responsibility
Amtssprache = Nazi officers excusing themselves of responsibility
Replace "I have to" -> "I choose to" to become aware of your choices / feelings

Demands:

We can never make people do anything, they have to want to do it
For example: motivate someone with fear, make them choose to out of fear

NVC: anger

Blaming other people is superficial expression of anger
The cause of anger lies in thinking (thoughts of blame and judgement):
For example, if someone's late and we're angry, it's not because they're late
It's because we might have a need for our time to be spent productively
Consider: they're late, our need is for 30 mins of solitude; we're not angry
Use anger as a wake-up call to help get in touch with your needs:
When we're aware of our needs, anger gives way to life-serving feelings
When we judge and get angry with others, we contribute to violence:
Violence comes from: belief that other people cause our pain, need punishment
If you're angry with someone and struggling with empathy, remember:
The more we hear the other person, the more they'll hear you
Stay conscious of the thoughts arising in your mind, without judging them
When we hear another person's needs, we recognize our common humanity
Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain
When people think they're at fault, they don't hear our pain

Four steps to expressing anger:

Stop, breathe
Identify judgmental thoughts
Connect with our needs
Express our feelings and unmet needs

NVC: conflict mediation

Creating a connection between people is the most important thing, not facts
When you make this connection, the problem usually solves itself
It's important to try your best to make people meet face-to-face
If you can't, try for some kind of audio recording
Avoid overdoing it with intellectual analysis:
This can often be received as criticism
Criticism and diagnosis get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts
Make sure both sides feel their side is being heard
Keep careful track of the "bouncing ball" of conversation, make sure it's even
Whiteboards can help both sides visually see their opinions are being heard
"No" is not a rejection; it reveals a need that's not being met
As the mediator, don't be afraid to interrupt to keep the dialogue on track
The purpose of interrupting is to restore the process

Five major steps:

Express our own needs
Avoid the use of language that implies wrongness
Search for real needs of other person
If they're expressing opinions / analysis, continue to seek the real needs
Verify we both accurately recognize the other person's needs
If not verified, continue to seek needs behind both parties' words
Provide as much empathy as is required to hear other person's needs accurately
People often need empathy before they can hear what other person's saying
Propose strategies for resolving the conflict
Frame in present and positive action language
For example: "I'd like for you to tell me if you'd be willing to..."

NVC: use of force

The intention is to protect, not to punish:
For example: child running into street, hold them back don't hit them

When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not our own values

Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill
For example: mom wants kid to be clean, punishes kid for not cleaning room:
Backfires: kid will only clean out of fear, out of the house will be messy
Originally, mom's goal: kid WANTS to be clean, not to be clean from fear

NVC: compliments

Compliments are often judgements – however positive – of others:
For example: "good job on that report": that person's judgement of good
Always express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate
Template for expressing a good compliment in NVC:
This is what you did, this is what I feel, this is the need of mine that was met
For example: When you said X, I felt Y, because it helped me Z
Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority OR FALSE HUMILITY:
"Don't be so humble, you're not that great"

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